Pursuit of...

I believe the common phrase is "pursuit of happiness"... but I don't believe that I'm running this marathon to find happiness (although I'm sure I'll be a smidge of happy crossing the finish line).  So what am I in pursuit of?  


I think that by pushing myself beyond limits that I can't even fully understand yet, I'll become a better person. 


I know that seems cliche, but I was so afraid of failing at this goal.  When I first thought about committing to this, I was scared to say it aloud to anyone, because I didn't want anyone to know I failed before I even began my journey- I especially didn't want to fail myself (again, before I even began, this was going through my mind!)  And then I thought- wow, this is so unbelievably sad... depressing even. 


To rewind a bit, My mom even jokes that even as a kid I'd kind of sit back, just do what's necessary, you know- coast along... I guess I had the original idea for cruise control, just not for putting it in cars.  I remember being content with Cs and Bs in school, and my parents would be so confused- why wouldn't she try for an A, she's so capable. I guess I never cared too much while I was in school... I did ballet as a very young kid, and by the recital tapes, it was clear I wasn't striving to be the best in show... Even playing sports all my life, I was more worried about playing and having fun than winning.  


I mean, sometimes staying on cruise control is worth it- if you're always trying super hard to be the best or most successful, you rarely have time to pause and enjoy life, right?  Not to mention you're so disappointed if you don't meet your pie in the sky expectations.  I'm the kind of person who's more worried about enjoying the pie- and I'll settle for the pie in the fridge if I don't feel like reaching for the sky.  Anyway, although I'm still happy to apply this mantra to some facets of my life I've realized that without Big Huge Risks, I will never reap Big Huge Rewards.


And running a marathon is the Biggest Huge-est Reward I can think of.  And obviously I have a lot of fear to conquer while working toward such a big huge risk, but it will make my big huge reward taste that much sweeter.


Just like I can't fully imagine and understand the limits I'll push myself beyond, I can't really fully imagine or understand the rewards that will be earned throughout my journey... but I believe it will make me a better person.  And if it doesn't, well then I'll never feel bad about how much time I spend on my couch again!


So I guess I'm in Pursuit of Betterness (or guilt-free couch lounging, whichever prevails)!